Many marriages are on siege and at the brink of collapse because they were built on wrong and faulty foundations. Many couples are pretentiously suffering in silence and trying endlessly to suffocate the crises. It is a fact that many of these people entered the covenant hardly knowing what it entailed. They cannot break away because their religious vows ties them to their spouses.
Many people are just trying to manage the challenges and bearing them like a perpetual cross. Many reasons have been identified as the root causes of the crises in marriages and homes. Prominent among them include fragile foundations and inexperience, infidelity and sexual satisfaction, dishonesty and intolerance. Others include conflict of different cultures and tradition insecurity, extended family issues, hidden information, health and social class related issues.
Experience has shown that marriages built on sex, wealth, physical appearances, romance, family, class, power, child bearing and their sexes usually collapse in the absence of these. Most of those who proclaim they marry out of love do not have full understanding of what love means in the marriage context. They may not know that love in marriage is unconditional. Those who do not see it as such declare love today and renounce it tomorrow.
Most reasons for divorce are based on one of the partner’s decision to discontinue with the decision he/she took and promised to sustain from the beginning. Some men promise their spouses to be faithful to them and later change after acquiring wealth and authority. Some women promise to obey and remain under their spouses just because they want to answer Mrs. Afterwards, especially after acquiring wealth and authority seek equality or even superior to their husbands. Many are strenuously managing these situations in their marriages while others like the pastors have decided to pack up. In fact, many marriages are under siege and are at the brink of collapse.
Marriage, as a sacred institution is three pronged. First, it is a call to divine life and holiness. Secondly, it is a covenant between a man, a woman and their God. Thirdly, it is an accepted and mutual responsibility to build the society. This is why in its initiation, the society, families and faith communities are called to witness. This is also an area many participant are not properly informed. They need to know their commitment towards the growth and sustainability of this sacred institution. Marriage should not be seen as a career or business partnership. It should not be seen as a spiritual covenant between man and woman and between couples and God. It is a deliberate service towards humanity. It is a special enclave where the society is built. Marriage lays a formidable foundation for human growth and development. It’s continual and the peaceful growth indicates prospect of societal success. Its breakdown and failure show a bleak society.
Some Nigerian men out of mere expression of inordinate emotions shy away from their responsibilities as heads of the family.
From the beginning, man was created to be the head by guiding, protecting, grooming and providing for the family. Men go into the field to till the soil from where the family feeds. This is why in some cultures; men are tested to show their ability to take these functions as husbands. In procreation, men also fertilize the eggs to produce human. Women, who God created as stronger in heart and better in management from the beginning are created to take care of the home. She assists the man in preparing what is produced from the field, training the children, advising the man and taking full charge of the house, turning it into a home. She actually has larger responsibilities and functions in the family. In procreation, she carries the baby in her womb, nurses and shows maternal love and care till maturity. Women are usually groomed and prepared by their parents to take these responsibilities later in life. The functions of man and woman are complimentary.
However, certain circumstances have changed this order. Such circumstances have also altered the rich African family culture creating unnecessary confusion both in its concept and management. This has also destroyed many homes. These circumstances include poor economic conditions, western culture and education, science and technology and family orientation. In summary, many women pick up men’s jobs and responsibilities, not that they want to be equal to men but to assist in taking care of the family needs. In such cases, such women erroneously assume that since they till the ground and provide the food, they are therefore the head. On the other hand, some men are thrown off balance anytime they cannot cater for their families and as a result of this become too weak to take charge and control.
Many western cultures, especially family order destroyed the African heritage. Instead of African women to seek for equal opportunities, they rather seek for equal rights. In cases where they are granted this right, most of them abuse such leading into broken homes. Being educated and trained in professional skills, many women feel that it is an opportunity to look down on men since they can “do it better.”
The grooming of children has been effectively handed over to domestic servants, school teachers and the general public. At some adult age, many parents are still taking care of their children, providing for them and in most cases making decisions for them. This makes many men lousy and incapable of managing the women and children under their care. It is no longer news that many women do not know how to cook neither can they manage their husbands and children.
Science and technology have their advantages and disadvantages. Since we have machines that cook, clean houses, wash clothes and dishes, the men may not see the value of women in their homes anymore. Some even treat their wives like those machines. Women may not take pride in motherhood with the advent of machines that produce babies outside the womb. The function of nine months carriage may be taken off them. With sex being promoted from a tool of procreation to entertainment, women may need a special robot armed with extra strength to carry out the modern gymnastics in love making and sexual satisfaction. The discovery of vibrators and other equipment did not help matters. You can see that men now marry men and women marry women. This is an indirect way of exterminating humanity and debasing family values.
Women should be women in Africa while men should be men. Their functions should be complimentary in most cases for us to build a healthy and sustainable family. Pride has no place in family building. Women seeking equality with men is mere pride.
Building your marriage is building your home and by extension building the society. In doing this, you may not require the earlier mentioned fragile tools for its foundation. The tools you rather need are trust, patience, understanding, sacrifice, selflessness and unconditional love. For those who are going into marriage, look out for these. For those in it already, consolidate yours on them. Marriage is not meant to fail. It does only when it is built on false foundation. It does when a partner or both partners religiously adopt any or all of the false foundations mentioned above and practice them with impunity. For it to continue, that same partner needs to drop those tools and replace them with love, humility, obedience and sacrifice. That’s why marriage should not be built on such emotional feelings as sex.
